Tag Archives: solstice

It’s the end of the year as we know it

4 Oct

I noticed something on my walk the other day.  The leaves were falling and it felt great and I picked up my pace so that I could try to catch one falling.  I did, then tossed it behind me and kicked it from behind.  I felt good about fall.  That’s not a consistent feeling for me at this time of year, as I always mourn summer.  I cling to it with every fiber of my soul as Mother Nature, loving the Mississippi heat as she so obviously does, sloooowly and painfully pries it away from me and replaces it with bitter cold, wet, gray days.  But she softens the blow by inserting some crisp nights and pretty leaves in the short weeks between Stifling Hot and Depressingly Cold, and I appreciate her for this.  It’s really the least she could do.

She has fully activated her dying process of all things green, and my thoughts turned toward the end of this year, of 2009.  I suppose it isn’t just me because a friend began talking about it yesterday.  He was looking back on all the craziness of his year and wondering if it had any more surprises in store for him before its end.  I don’t mean to be self-centered, but I honestly don’t know anyone who has had a year as difficult as mine.  A divorce, job loss, TWO moves, leaving my city and my home, leaving all of my friends, another failed relationship post-divorce, unemployment for months on end, moving back in with my parents, coming back to LOUISVILLE… it’s been very hard.  I should want to say goodbye to 2009.

It’s bittersweet though.  I’ve seen more in this year alone than I have in all of the previous years combined.  I got wasted backstage at the Hi-Tone after deciding to go out alone, I lived completely alone for the first time ever, I found closure with an old love and completely feel over that for the first time in my life, I heard the wind whistling through the Grand Canyon, I had an extremely loud tequila-induced argument in the middle of a parking lot in Las Vegas, rode a train from San Diego to Los Angeles, spent all night in the sand watching the pelicans dive into the waves at Pismo Beach, and experienced delightful first kisses with three completely fabulous men (after nearly a decade of kissing the same man – though he used to be pretty damn fabulous himself).  I’ve been through countless hours of therapy, made some shitty decisions and some genius ones, learned to not be so hard on myself, and discovered the joy of creating my own affirmations to hang around my apartment.  This year was horrible and devastating and tear-laden.  And it was beautiful and exciting and filled with laughter.  It has been the most emotional year of my life – one of the absolute worst and absolute BEST.  I wouldn’t trade one second of all the joy I’ve had, even if it removed every bad time.  This was the most exciting year I’ve ever experienced and I am looking forward to the last three months of it.

It reminds me of a quote by Zora Neale Hurston, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”  I have thought about it a lot, what kind of year this has been.  Definitely the answers.  I cannot wait to discover how 2010 will awaken the questions lying dormant inside me.

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