Another dawn, another day

8 Aug

I had a lovely night and didn’t want it to end.  I couldn’t sleep and had no desire to.  I wanted to write – I think only writers can understand that pull.  Being so out of practice, I didn’t want to let the moment pass me by.

While he was sleeping soundly I slipped out of the house.  I went home briefly but realized I’d be up for sunrise and wanted to catch it over Bluff Lake, so I grabbed the camera and headed for the Refuge.  What a perfect word for that place.  In addition to providing a safe haven for alligators, owls, deer, eagles, and other creatures native to Mississippi, it has always been a refuge for my spirit.  Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me from going insane with longing for Memphis.

I was so let down to discover roadwork had closed my route to Bluff Lake, and I started to cry.  Once I started it was hard to stop crying.  I cried about nothing.  I cried about everything.  And then I cranked the radio and took pictures as I drove.

I have several “new” (new to me) bands downloaded on my ipod, and obviously needed some mellow music, so I chose Mike and Ruthy without thinking a lot about my choice.  I clicked “shuffle” and a most appropriate song came on.  My soul started to smile – a thin, weary smile, but a smile all the same.  As soon as Ruthy crooned, “…under the six am sky” I looked at the clock in my car.  It was exactly – I mean exactly – 6:00 am.  I got chills and my eyes misted over.  I knew in that instant that the Divine induced my restlessness, guided my car to the Refuge, and closed that road just so that I would be listening to that song in that moment, so that I would really feel it, really hear what Ruthy was singing.

And I knew in my bones that the answer to every question I have right now is to focus on me, to focus on making my life as amazing and meaningful as it can be without relying on any other person to help me assign meaning to each day.  To expect nothing, to live frugally on surprise; to let my senses find me and leave hard times behind me.

I share it with you now.  and if you’re ever up at dawn, I suggest you turn this up:

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4 Responses to “Another dawn, another day”

  1. AT August 8, 2010 at 11:06 am #

    What an awesome story. It’s little things like that happening just every so often that keep me agnostic & not all the way atheist. Sometimes there are pushes, signs, and signals that are too mysterious & beautiful to be random, ya know? Maybe it’s not God in the way people commonly think, but it’s certainly a force, one that usually feels loving to me. So happy for you to brush up against it this morning!

  2. Raisin Girl August 8, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    Re: atheism/agnosticism, I think the only wise position to take on ANY SUBJECT, is to admit that ultimately you do not *know*. I know I don’t believe in God as Christians define it, but I definitely believe in something Greater Than Me… even if it’s just our collective conscious, something internal, the interconnected web of all existence, etc.

    And thank you, it was a pleasure to share the story with you!

  3. stardust August 8, 2010 at 3:45 pm #

    Wow. This gave me chills. I love moments like that. I call them full circle moments. It usually happens to me when I have become complacent with my identity and place in the world, encounter a crisis, and then find resolution.

    A FB (and IRL) friend of mine has this listed as her religious views:

    There are forces at work in this world that are too profound and mysterious to be given a title.

    That about sums it up.

  4. Raisin Girl August 9, 2010 at 12:24 am #

    Stardust, that is the most amazing fb “religious views” description I have *ever* read. I wanna status-update about that tomorrow. Please tell your friend how awesome – and accurate – we think that is.

    And thanks for the feedback, girls, I haven’t felt this good about life in a long time. I’m finally ready for some “Me” time, and it’s not even because I’m upset with a man, ya know? I just realized I need more of it.

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