8 Reasons Why Men Love “Crazy Bitches”

“Why do men love crazy bitches?” That was the topic of one of Marie’s blog posts (months ago, but I missed it!). I started a reply to her that I realized was long enough to constitute a blog post of its own, so here is my reply to her:

I have thought a lot about this, and have many theories, so bear with me.

I’m “crazy”. I should refrain from using that term, as it stigmatizes people, like myself, who have legitimate psychiatric conditions. (Not that I feel offended or targeted by your blog in any way.) But, whatever. “Borderline Personality Disorder“, “Crazy”, tow-may-tow, tow-mah-tow. I’ll own it.

And men dig me. It doesn’t matter how much weight I gain, or if I get obnoxious too often, or if I do crazy things like hacking into their email to retrieve an accidental “reply-all” message, or even crazier stuff like throwing a whole Christmas tree at them. I never have had a problem getting and maintaining male attention. So let me share with you why I think that is:

1. As for the “bitch” part, I think that is a sexual stereotype that wouldn’t hold up if it were a man exhibiting the same behaviors. Dominate, strong women are often labeled “bitches” because women are expected to be more “ladylike” and docile. If we buck that trend by going off, ranting, standing up for what we believe in, cussing, yelling… well, we don’t have penises, we have no business acting like that. What a bitch! Whatever. I just think we’re less likely to conform to gender stereotypes and can be more strong willed and androgynous than society would have us be.

2. We’re hot. Marilyn Monroe had BPD, like me. Yes, she was a bombshell, but part of the reason she was a bombshell is that she exuded sex, as many of us do for reasons I will get to further on down the list. Part of the reason she was a bombshell was because she appeared to be confident of her own sexual appeal. As Amanda has theorized (and I agree), someone’s physical exterior alone has about 25% to do with their actual attractiveness. A person’s attitude, wit, etc. takes over from there. And, of course, the fact that they give the impression that they are hot, that they’re worth being with. That show of confidence is often a mask for intense inner conflict and self-loathing, but people respond to it as if it were real. If you ever read any of Monroe’s writing, you would see her self-hatred and insecurities (and she did kill herself, after all – as many people who share my condition do. The survival rate is about 85-90%, and although the condition occurs in like 2% of the general population, it makes up an ENORMOUS percentage of psychiatric inpatients.) She was not the best actress, but she was incredibly intelligent, which brings me to…

3. Most women with these conditions are of above average intelligence, statistically. That’s not to say that all smart women are “crazy”, but most “crazy” women are smart. There’s some truth to the “fine line between genius and insanity”. I think men and women alike are attracted to intelligence. At least all the people with whom I care to associate are.

4. Like you (Marie) said, we’re interesting. Unpredictable. Hard to control. We’re challenging. It can be extremely difficult for a man to handle, but it’s never, ever boring. A Marilyn Monroe quote: “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

5. We’re good in bed. First of all, many women who live with conditions that make society (most of the time, justifiably) label them “crazy” have Bipolar Disorder or BPD. A symptom of both of those is sexual hyperactivity. This is a result of both poor impulse control and the desire to use sexual activity to distract ourselves from other issues. Either way, we like to have sex, often. Also, dealing with our conditions on a daily basis makes us good lovers. We’re not afraid of not looking perfect, of sounding crazy, of doing or saying something “wrong”, of being ridiculed. We deal with that every day just by being alive! So when we screw, we screw to get off. And we do it maniacally. We don’t care about taboo – we’ve faced taboo plenty and we still lived afterward, so we tend to be more experimental.

6. Some men have a “savior complex“. Some women do too, but in my personal experience I see it more often in men. A woman who seems broken or in need of rescue is appealing to them because “fixing her” fulfills their need to be needed. And we are needy.

7. We’re “hard to get”, in a sense. Yes, we can be obsessive, codependent, and clingy. But if one gets too close, we feel smothered. That constant pulling-near/pushing-away causes men (or women, in the case of lesbians – I’m not trying to be all homophobic here) to often feel as if they haven’t fully “won us over” yet, as if we’re never truly theirs completely, and that offers another unique challenge.

8. We love passionately. As crazy and “bitchy” as we can seem, we love with every bit of that passion. If we hate you, we hate you intensely. If we love you, we love you just as intensely. That kind of passion (sometimes even obsession) is flattering and often irresistible. An ex lover once told me, “Yes, you are challenging, sometimes even exhausting, to deal with… but all the amazing, creative, wonderful things you bring into my life outweigh all the crazy shit you put me through.” YOU girls should know this one better than anything, just from being my friend!! That’s much like another Marilyn Monroe quote, “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And that’s true. Because our bad, it’s bad. But our good is awesome.

In conclusion, the next time you see one of your guy friend’s girlfriends acting like a “crazy bitch”, cut her some slack. Think to yourself, “When it’s good it must be AMAZING,” and “I hope she doesn’t cut herself or try to kill herself later,” because that is often what we do. I have done both. Just know that the man putting up with her insanity is reaping a lot of rewards from it as well. That’s not to say I’m happy to have BPD – I very much so wish I didn’t… but there are positive aspects, obviously – and thank God, because we would certainly perish if there weren’t. The line I would think one should draw is at abuse. If she’s being abusive toward him, it would be helpful to be a supportive and concerned friend. If she’s just flying off the handle, let it go. She deals with more in her mind and heart than many of you will ever experience, and sometimes she can’t keep all the “crazy” on the inside.

Ta-da! Who knew this would be an “8 Things” post?? I leave you with two quotes from one of my favorite authors, Gregory Maguire:

As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention.

and…

The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say.

P.S. I never once mentioned Christina Aguilera, but check out some of the WordPress-generated tags for this one. What the…???